Okay. Last week's romances are why "happy hour" is an after work thingy. Are you listening to me, Cupid? Do we have to stage an intervention, you sloshed little cherub? You seemed to be sipping the crazy juice and just placing any two Salemites together-- and in most cases, trying way too hard to do so. Most of it's bananas. And THIS close to Valentine's Day!? For shame. So, even though they're wearing little wings and holding a bow with a heart-shaped arrow in their trunks, let's address the elephants in the room...
I need a flow chart and aspirin to deal with Stephanie. Oh, I meant Stephanie and Everett. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the writers need to pick a lane for their backstory. There's building a mystery, and then there's slapping things together with Mad Libs, Boggle minus two of the lettered dice, and old ideas written on Post-it notes found behind a filing cabinet that hasn't been moved for a decade or so.
It's legit confusing, especially because of how well we know Stephanie. This is the woman who crawled into bed with her mama and papa to eat mini banana muffins. We're led to believe they're that close, yet she never told them she was in love with a man in Seattle? Casually dating someone, sure. Nobody needs to send out announcements. It was even brought up a few weeks ago. Steph said she wasn't sure how she felt and wanted to wait to tell her parents. Fair! But then last week, we learned that she and Everett exchanged "I love yous." See, from "fair!" to "confusing."
"Confusing" seems to be Stephanie's jam, though. She confused viewers and Everett. I'm pretty sure she even confuses herself.
One thing is clear; if I say, "I love you," to somebody and they disappear, the first calls would be to them about a million times. Then the police. Then my father, especially if he were a private detective. Then my mother, if she were the head of a hospital who could reach other hospital heads easier to do a search, pull strings, etc. Then my uncle if he were the head of the ISA. Then I'd call my other uncles, aunts, and cousins if they had ties to the same superspy agency. Then I'd call my award-winning journalist aunt and uncle who have connections everywhere, if I had them. And, if I had one, I'd then probably call my lawyer uncle with connections to one of the biggest corporations in the world and all those resources. And so on. I wouldn't stop calling people until every stone in Seattle and the surrounding areas was turned over.
But, sure. Not telling anyone who could help, believing you've been ghosted amid a healthy relationship you later chose to return to, and letting it affect future relationships is super healthy, too. Poor Steph. Ugh. So confusing. But at least she got to make it about herself. And with Stephanie and drama already a thing, does she even have room for Everett?
Also, let's be honest. That was the most awkward "holding" in soap history, right? It was supposed to be a comfortable yet uncomfortable situation for them, but it looked like the result of the first desk I ever tried to assemble from Ikea. Something wasn't right, no matter which angle you tilted your head to try to make sense of it. It was just mechanically off.
Speaking of "off," Ava and Stefan's clothes came off in a shocking twist that shocked nobody. We all saw this coming a mile away. And if we didn't see it, it was narrated for us. Oh, boy. But I commend DAYS for trying something new! There's that.
I also commend DAYS for not love-washing Stefan and Ava. They were both just horny and hot for each other. They're not Salem's next great love story. Just two adults -- well, one adult and Stefan -- who wanted to have some wine, whiskey, and fun. At least this time, no wigs were harmed. There's that, too.
Still, Stefan and Ava are just so forced. It has nothing to do with both endlessly talented actors portraying them. It was just the paint-by-numbers approach to the storyline that was disappointing. Okay, and some of the dialogue. Okay, a lot of the dialogue. But they yam what they yam, and all.
Reason number infinity and one to love Jada. She shut down Ho-Hum by stating, "You guys dated for, like, what, five minutes." Nailed it, Detective H. Also, Jada brought up Harris' brain issues. She's smart enough to keep tabs to know if he's brainwashed again. And that's some mighty fine attention to detail, as there's not that much difference between "Sleeper Agent Harris" and "Harris Harris." Both personalities have the same effects as NyQuil.
Sarah and Xander are the Nike slogan, "Just do it." They're not fooling anyone and hardly even themselves anymore. Paul Telfer and Linsey Godfrey are gold together, but this version of Xander and Sarah's relationship is weird. They were in a committed relationship and raised a child together before. These "little discoveries" they're learning about each other are puzzling. Sure. There are always, "I didn't know that!" moments in life, yet theirs seem more like "You should have already known that.
Also, could Sarah be "The Caller" who phoned Xander? Like, is she testing him to feel secure in their budding re-romance? Or is Bonnie thinking she's doing something nice for Sarah and testing him? I could see the big Bon Bon doing something like that, for sure.
I'll take a hard pass at whatever's happening between Maggie and Konstantin. If her slip-up was supposed to indicate that she really has feelings for him, Julie needs to start spending more time with her bestie and detonate a few hard truth bombs. I also think Maggie does need to go back to Titan if it distances her from him. Too soon. Too stupid. No. Move on. Next please.
It isn't a romance yet, but let's curb the idea of reuniting Brady and Theresa. It's lazy. The OG version had fiery chemistry to go along with the Dumpster fire destructiveness of it all. While the actors involved now are marvelous and trying their best, this version's down about a million charm points, and up a wig and an Alex. Which "up" is worse, I'll let you decide.
Then there's Alex and Theresa. The Jersey Shore of Salem romances. Dude bro making dumb declarations. Big hair and wonky accents. Annoying the neighbors. And about ten brains cells between them. All that's missing is an STD scare, and I'm pretty sure even viruses and bacteria have slowly backed away from this pair. I mean, when Marlena gives you an "Oh, boy!" -- look, you know it's bad.
Finally, future contests for the reality show version of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, Eric and Sloan, were on full display of why you don't marry your midlife crises or the guy who's super, duper hot just because you have daddy issues. They need therapy.
Oh, she's awful and going to Soap Hell, no doubt, but the audience must remember that Eric doesn't know anything. Oh, I mean anything she's done wrong. That's it.
In his latest stroke of husbandry, Eric's decided to wait for Nicole to return to Salem to have Baby Jude christened. "Sloan loved the idea!" said nobody. I fully get that she's the villain here, but two things can be true at once. She can be pure hot garbage, and he can still be kind of an insensitive a-hole at times. I don't get this move at all. "Hey, spouse! You know that person who raises your blood pressure and stole our baby? Let's make sure she's there when we christen our little bundle of blankets." Eww, Eric.
Though, to give credit where credit is due, Sloan surprised me last week. I honestly thought she'd ask Melinda to find her 100 more babies so she could make a jacket. Instead, she feverishly looked for Baby Jude's receipt to see if she could still return him or if she'd have to accept store credit. I have a huge DVD collection and a cabinet full of "Must Have" kitchen gadgets. I know buyer's remorse, but what Sloan did was disgusting. I'm shocked Melinda didn't slap an ungrateful ho.
LOOSE ENDS:
And while Cupid may have his heart-shaped little rump all riled up, the Salem PD has their heads up their own -- well, let's just ask: Is the best place to keep someone hidden at their mom's house? Just wondering. You'd think with Rafe's safehouse know-how and an endless "I know someone" list of contacts, he'd do better than this. Then again, policing isn't the force's strong suit.
Lucas is not only hidden at his mother's house -- a mother who used to succumb to the charms of Poplar Bluff's own Piggly Wiggly store-brand Casanova -- but he's also being kept at the same place Clyde used to work! This is either brilliant or bonkers. We'll go with "brilliant," so everyone on the force feels like they truly deserved those participation ribbons, and you're welcome Ho-Hum. This gives a stronger case to Harris being "the mole." It's like he's not even trying to hide it.
Though, Lucas calling Chad and Everett was a wowing idea. That means that Harris and Everett know where Lucas is. They're both high up on "The Mole Watch." Or should I say Harris and Everett or "Bobby." I'm still unconvinced that he's not related to Pa Weston, or at least working for him. Think about it. Bobby. Bob E. Bob Everett. That cat is jive. Just saying.
In COMPLETELY unrelated news, everyone should stop by the Brady Pub and meet the newest waitress, Lucita. She's totally new to town and NOT Lucas in disguise. Nope. Not at all. And Nurse Leona didn't help her with what's not a wig at all. Though, Hard Luck Lucas -- I mean! -- Hard Luck Lucita might be the only Salemite desperate enough to appreciate Nurse Leona's special brand of cringy attention, but I digress. Poor Lucita!
Thank goodness the noise of Leo being Jude's godfather was shut down (at least temporarily). I had that locked and loaded as this week's "NOT" should it have come to fruition. Brady could use that win right now. InvisiBelle needs to be high on the list, too. She's family, she's not afraid to sass Melinda back, and Jude will likely need a good lawyer someday. I'd like to add Chloe, as well. Oh, and Sami! She'd shut down Sloan in about two seconds. Yep. There's a lot of worthy godparents to choose from, but Leo should not be one of them.
I enjoyed Roman telling cop shop stories to the table of officers. That Jack Nicholson cut-out one was hilarious. I admire him for taking over the pub, but you can tell he misses being on the beat. I wonder if they have freelance work for Ro-Ro at Black Patch. Keeping John from wandering out at night seems like it could be a position.
Of those officers at breakfast, I suspect one will end up a mole lackey, and one will end up dead. They've been featured a lot lately. There must be a reason.
So, Konstantin and John are having another showdown in the park. I'm intrigued by "The Pawn" of it all -- if the past doesn't change John's status quo. I love Timothy as his father. It tracks. That does not need to change, please and thank you.
With that, John does have a lot of missing time and mysterious missions we don't know about. I'm open to exploration. It's a great use of unaccounted for history and can bring in fresh characters to play with. Though I'd love it if Paul were in town to be the "Robin" to John's "Batman" in this journey. Something tells me his dad could use a scrappy, upbeat sidekick while looking down at the dark abyss of a past involving Konstantin, who's a -- how do you say? -- che-dee sonova beach.
Could Maggie be smarter than she's acting lately? Is she secretly working with Steve to get intel on Konstantin!? I would love this. It would make more sense than Maggie believing that kon-man.
Tripp and I need to have a sit-down with Steve. The Patch Man is going through some stuff lately. He needs some sounding boards. And if the mister Doc Johnson could pick up an assortment of warm mini muffins for said sit-down, that would be all the better. Thanks, Trippster.
Paulina's grandiose wedding ideas would make Liberace quip, "Too much!" I'm glad Chanel eventually spoke up with her truth, but Raven Bowens' facial expressions kept cracking me up in the meantime. Jackée and Raven have such sincere, charming mother and daughter chemistry. It's a similar "us against the world" vibe as Lauren Koslow and Bryan Dattilo have, though "Hard Luck Lucas" and "Win in Heels Chanel" are opposite ends of the Salem spectrum.
Chad and Johnny's scenes took my emotions all around the world, but I'm, one, glad it had a happy ending, and two, glad Johnny talked out his feelings with Chanel. Communication. What a refreshing twist!
If Jack and Jennifer show up for a visit, I know Abigail is getting the *whispers* "Resurrection" by Wilhelm treatment. She's been brought up A LOT lately. Who hates Clyde more than the woman he killed? Okay. Well. A lot of people, if we're being honest, but a police informant being a "dead woman" who's not really dead would be an ultimate ruse. She's also an investigative reporter, and she's been short and brunette and tall and blonde, so Clyde wouldn't see her coming. Just a thought.
Update! Holly's not out of the coma yet. No word if she was Marshmallow Headed like E.J. was. But she is doing better in her coma. There's that.
In a "Where are they now?" kind of thought, I wonder what ever happened to runaway Madison (played by LeAnn Rimes). I feel like she needs to drift back into Eric's life for a cameo and help him like he once helped her. That is, get it together. Though I hear she's busy because she became somewhat of a singer and married some guy that looks like Cole Deschanel from Sunset Beach.
HOT
You go, Jo-Ro! With the class of his Uncle Tony and the chutzpah of Aunt Anna, Johnny shut down Uncles Stefan and Chad when they wouldn't shut their mouths, and I loved every second of both encounters. While Stefan was horny, I mean, sad about Gabi being gone, at least Chad's tantrum came from a well-meaning place, and he grew throughout the conversation to realize he was being a doofus. Johnny handled both like a champ AND, instead of doing something incredibly soapy and self-destructive, he opened up to Chanel about how his chat with Unkie Chad made him feel. As I stated above, "Communication. What a refreshing twist!"
NOT
"Between him and the baby..." "Not cut out to be a mother." Do I need to go on? On one hand, it's infuriating and despicable that Sloan has this stance about the motherhood she so desperately wanted and went to super-duper illegal lengths to obtain. On the other hand, Sloan looking to get laid and not have concerns sort of loops her back to the original version who showed up in Alex's bedroom. Leopards and spots and all.
NOTTY, TOO
Seriously, Baltimore State Penn!? Lani STILL hasn't been released!? That's some straight-up bullstuff. I get being short staffed and backed up on paperwork, but in the digital age, that excuse runs a little thinner. We need "Elani" and cute little Jules and Carver home now-ish, please. Maybe Johnny can use his DiMera connections to phone a favor. C'mon, Jo-Ro! If you need leverage, offer Sloan and Melinda in Lani's place.
LINE(S) OF THE WEEK
"A murder for hire wrong number!?" Xander to Stefan
"Are you all right? You look like the before photo on a makeover show." Leo to Everett
"Why do I feel like I'm having breakfast with a toddler?" Everett to the universe while dining with Leo
RANDOM THOUGHTS
It finally happened! Someone finally used the decorative limes on the table. Ironically, it was sourpuss Stefan.
Busted! "Jarlena" lied. They told Eric and Sloan they're not drinking much these days, and who saunters into the living room with glasses of wine on Tuesday's episode? Yep. John and Marlena. Rude.
Tony and Anna must be in Italy with Nicole and Holly, right? If Sami and Syd are there, too, I'd watch the hell out of that limited series.
I still recall the scene when Tall Hipster Chad met Abigail while he was holding toddler Johnny. It was at the Java Café. I miss that place.
Steve and Stephanie's chat was sweet. They still need to work on boundaries, but their hearts were in the right place.
Chad and Everett have no right being as interesting of a duo as they are, but they do make a fun work pair.
If Chanel doesn't want that pastry arrangement, I'll gladly take it off her hands. Weddings can take forever. That's the perfect acceptable snack for the occasion.
That "Youth Correctional Wilderness Trip" seems like a great idea. Nothing bad will happen. I'm sure of that.
I don't know how much of a "chunky monkey" Jude is. He looks more like a "blankey wanky" to me. Will he even be in his christening photos?
Oddly enough, Gwen would have been a mistake I could see Brady making.
Chanel's support of Stephanie was great. She's right, Steph. It's nobody's business.
"Buttons and Bows" is as made up as Abe calling Nicole his "bonus daughter," but I totally love the sentiment. I'm a sucker for schmaltz.
Chanel's "AARP" joke totally landed! Hilarious.
Lotta weird song choices last week there were.
Johnny's color-coding tip was brills. Well. I guess it would have been Sami's idea, but still brilliant.
I now know that the reason Leo is in Sloan's storyline is because he's a grown-up Jude from an alternative future visiting a version of his past baby self. Diana was a monster to him. Sloan's a growing monster to Jude. It sort of tracks.
Brady's "Basic Black" pullover was a great touch! I'll gladly take one. Two! Laurisa would want one, too, thankyouverymuch, Mr. Black.
I wonder if "Cin" had baby number two yet. Has there been an update I missed? Maybe if Bo and Holly are in the same coma ward, Nicole could send us an update. If she doesn't steal that tot, too.
I love Marlena's excitement for delivery. She seems so smitten with it. It comes right to your door and is still hot! Yes, Doc! That's what it does.
I'm shocked Stefan complained about wearing a "lady robe." He doesn't come off as misogynistic at all. And he's definitely not a flaming a-hole to his nephew, "friends," or, you know, people.
PARTING THOUGHTS
So, friends and fellow fans, that's it for February 5. "What do you want out of Salem romances? More love? More lusty encounters? More narration?" the Two Scooper wrote with his finger like fingers tapping along his laptop keyboard. He also wondered, "What will Laurisa write about in her column next week?" And I bet he'll end things with, "As always, thank you for reading, and 'That's a fact.'" And he did.
What are your thoughts on Days of our Lives? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- and there are many ways you can share your thoughts.
